gettin my act together. finally.

I have felt the immense pressure to be “something” by a young age, for as long as I can remember. I’m not sure where the pressure came from, perhaps it’s just the first born syndrome. Needless to say the older I get, the more pressure I feel. Maybe I have wisdom beyond my years to make sure I start my life, career, journey on the right foot. (it’s what I tell myself, anyway)

In this pressure cooker I have placed myself, I’ve also become hyper-sensitive to opportunities that may lead to somewhat of a: money maker or b: career launcher. These opportunities are not always on point with how I see my life and interests colliding but I’ve desensitize myself in order to reach the goal of success. Like that of an overly-excited dog playing fetch and the cruel kid who pretends to throw the ball just to watch the dog run around looking for the ball, who then laughs when the dog realizes the ball was never tossed. I’ve ran after a few blind opportunities prematurely and once I’ve mentally committed to the venture I realize the missing factor is my heart and soul, my interests, living life, enjoying the ride and laughing along the way. 

In an attempt to stop the overly-excited opportunity seeking ways of my past, I’ve been in search of a passion. The thing “that keeps me going when I don’t think I can keep going myself” and that will also keep me focused, helping guide me to choose opportunities that are the best fit.  … *scratches head*…. well this idea was easier said than done. For the last 6 months I’ve been trying to understand what my passion is. The only thing that keeps me going is the idea of success. Could my passion be simply, to be successful? How shallow is that? But this thinking has got me going in the right direction:

First off, I have put a lot of thinking into money lately. Making sure my financials are in order and a good solid base to grow my future on. I feel this is essential to being successful. 

Secondly, that of  finishing my degree, possibly getting a masters and any other reputable certificates are the next tier on the road to success.

I figure, once I have these two key factors secure, the world will be mine! Having a solid financial state combined with a wicked education, moving anywhere for a promotion will feel like taking candy from a baby and be just as easy. 

So with that stated… I’ve got my focus and it feels sooooo good to finally have a game plan that sounds successful! 

eat your vegetables, they’re good for you.

lima beans. ugh THOSE were the worst! 

I can remember sitting at the kitchen table pushing the remainder of my meal (vegetables, most likely, lima beans) around my plate with my fork, as a kid. mom would tell me I had to eat them all. but why? I ate everything else on my plate, everything that tasted good, duh. wasn’t that enough?

sometimes I would make up the excuse that I was full, just so I didn’t have to eat them. I mean, I might not be STUFFED but sufficiently full (I just didn’t want those damn vegetables).

HOWEVER, throw some dessert in there as an incentive…. and I would find away to get those veggies off my plate…. (aka the family dog).

I mention this story as it relates to life now, as an adult. Not specifically the veggies part, well kinda, I have learned to love them, in a “regular” kind of way. they do keep things moving. but that’s a different post. what I’m talking about is the idea of doing things we don’t ALWAYS want to do but there is reward, afterward.

take for example, my life (because, well this is my blog after all). the last 6 months have been a bit constipated. I made plans, big-life-altering plans. I was gonna DO IT! I was gonna jump feet-first into life! I’m talking the South Beach move for those of you who are lost….. and then life said “uh, no, no your not….”

loosing a job, loosing an apartment, loosing independence, I thought I had lost it all! … hence the last few posts of being lost and in-transition. it seemed no matter what path, idea, or vision I craved — it felt forced. perhaps I was chasing the wrong ideas: money vs passion or passion vs reality. either way, I wasn’t LISTENING.

I didn’t know HOW to listen.

finally, I gave in. I didn’t want to. I didn’t know what to listen for. I felt defeated and broken…. there was nothing, no plan, no get out jail free/”haha, that was funny” card. all I could do was go through the motions. it hurt my ego, for sure.

no more dessert for this kid… just a solid-heaping plate of veggies for dinner. gross.

no butter. no salt. no pepper. just raw (maybe steamed) veggies.

I cried, I pushed it away, just like a kid who only wants dessert. I wanted to live MY life the way I wanted to live it. I wanted dessert first, second and third…. I just wanted it to be awesome and perfect, the way I had envisioned. I wanted to be that girl. the girl who’s world was perfect and everything *just* happened, perfectly, overnight.

we all laugh at *that girl. because she doesn’t exist. even the girl we THINK had it happen to, doesn’t think it happened that way.

the point is: we ALL have to eat our veggies. we have to do THOSE things we don’t want to do, in order to be successful. I had been putting off ALL of those things I didn’t want to do. I hadn’t ate my veggies in a LONG time and life was pretty backed-up.

so, I’m learning to enjoy my veggies. can’t say I love them, yet… but I am learning AND I’m listening!

…maybe *that* girl just ate her veggies before anyone noticed…. ugh, she’s so smart. i kinda hate her.

the transition.

I keep looking. Looking for something to remind me of what I’m looking for. Like I’m lost and have forgot where I’m going.

I walk around the house aimlessly. click on the open tabs in my browser, from one-tab-to-the-next, not really finding what I’m looking for. I’ve been racking my brain for clues too, making lists of things to do, places to go, things to buy, rooms to clean etc etc etc…. and then I remember to let go, take a deep breath and release. relax. let go. it will come to me.

life will come to me.

I’ve been in control for so long.

letting go is hard to do.

it’s scary.

and I must remind myself to stop grasping for control of life. I’ve had a death grip on life…. and that’s no way to live.

through the events of the last four months, I’ve learned I cannot control my life. so. when you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

but it’s certainly a transition; letting go.